Ars Retorica

Crunch time in the ars retorica:

What makes a man do the choices he has done? As if Butch and Thierry having forged their friendship can really say why they are hanging there by a thread? What obduracy in their souls made them march to the beat of a different drum?

Defenceless Rocks

Whoever it is is not exactly playing by the Queensberry rules. On the ground, as bullets fly around them, jihadists call to each other from behind their defenceless rocks.

Khalid, you okay, old boy!

The rocks reply:

Nothing doing, old boy! I am being pinged to death!

It would hurt much less if they could picture themselves in some kind of play station of sporting Gods v wanton boys. Indeedy, if only the situation could all be defused with such quick and easy humour!

Pinned down behind one of these defenceless rock creatures, and squeezed against Butch’s wide frame, Thierry feels very much as if caught between said rock and hard place.

Jihad Under Fire

News just in on the Reuters ticker tape:

The Jihad Boot Camp is under fire.

Someone we feel is going to have to put a restraining order on those ex-generals, who are spinning around like Daleks in front of the telex. Everyone is in a state of high anxiety. The PM and cabinet have been advised; fire brigade, and Yorkshire coalminers put on national alert. Expecting an influx of patients any minute, doctors everywhere are high fingering their stethoscopes and running through their emergency protocols. Doctor Dino struggles to keep pace with the demands on his medicine chest. Where in God’s name is the Prilosec?

At Parasite the remote viewers have been inundated with long shots and wild calls. Tasso is stuck with a screeching demon in his left earlobe. Dante and Gregorius have been blown out by a Kamikaze Trojan. Adele Wallace has lapsed into trance. Miss St Clair leans over with a Japanese fan as used by the more discerning pumpawallas in remote Himalyan outposts of the British Empire. For she says the brain must not be allowed to overheat. The channels must be kept open. Through all this the bloggers are standing firm. Why, even Sharkhunter has given up texting Hoarfrost and is glued, along with Jonathan and Jabba, to the giant plasma screen of prepounding theories and counter theories:

Is it finally Mars attacking?
Old Friendly and the double crossing SIS?

Or some kind of rogue element i.e. the Soccer Team that no one in a million years could’ve been expecting.

Old Friendly

Sarah D’s Notes in Margin:

L. Butcher, I Stanton and Paul Little Flowers come in on chorus.
Monkhouse with ax.

"Chop-chop at the door
And the hatchet
Chips the timber, splits the door
There in his storm trooper’s hat
Old Friendly
Looks down at my cat

I know it’s no use to inquire,
Old Friendly’s just dropped by
To make you a fire

He’s gonna make you a real friendly fire

He chops up the door
He piles up the wood
In the middle of the floor
He chucks on the stripper
He takes out his Zippo -"

Ghost of Allen throws a look across
At F. Amiss whose eyebrow hangs over a flaming spliff.

To chuckles Allen goes on

"The fire runs up the curtains
And so does my cat
It takes out the settee
My favourite poster
Of Mohammed (Wait a beat)Ali

Now my house is burning
Down at the bar
Old Friendly
Takes off his Storm-trooper Hat
He sits with his pals
Over a few friendly jars"

Band raise pints to Old Friendly.

Amid wild clapping and hooting,

Monkhouse swipes spliff

And runs off to leave F Amiss

Holding ax

in eyebrow shaping confusion.

Lady of Honour

I came to salute my lady of honour
She was married to a Southern
Gentleman, John Bradley O’Connor

John Bradley fought in the dirty war
And I was his victim
One of the fools
Knocking at his mansion door

Oh, how can you say the General
Has been laid to rest
When the doctor found the poison
In the flower we laid on the mound
For all those men who gave up their
Very best

Oh, doctor, general under ground
And John Bradley O’Connor
I came to salute my lady of honour

She was married to a southern
Gentleman, John Bradley O’Connor

John Bradley was a fixer, a raider,
A two timing, low down traitor
He sold us to the Sunni boys
He rode off with the dictator’s toys

Now I’m sitting here in a county gaol
On account of John Bradley
Lying beyond the pale

I came to salute my Lady of Honour
But not that no good cheat,
That son of a Moustache Pete
John Bradley O’Connor

Who robbed me of my Lady of Honour

If I was an A-rab

Would I fight for my country?
Would I fight for my home?

Is it worth all the trouble?
Would I pick up the rubble?

Would I fight for the butcher?
Would I welcome the thief?

Would I stand on the touch line
with the cheerleader-in-chief?

If I was an A-rab

Would I do what has to be done?
Would I send my wife into the street?
Would I put my child in a cell?
Would I lay down my weapons
at Caesar’s feet?

If I was an A-rab

Would I welcome the thief?
Would I fight for the butcher?

Would I stand on the touch line
with the cheerleader–in-chief?


Sarah D’s Notes in Margin:


Childe Harold claps and taps his feet
Prods F. Amiss
Still occupied with tricky biz
of rolling spliff one-handed
Ghost of Allen grins slyly
As Big Daddy Lawman emerge from background with banjos and harmonicas for:

Untitled (2)

Sarah D’s Notes in Margin:

Ghost of Allen comes over all enigmatic for this Nick Drake-ish number:


The man by the bar
On a stool
With his guitar

The man by the bar
With his hands
Over the strings
Of his guitar

And his mind so far

Know that he loves her
Know that he doesn’t care

The man with the
Guitar so rare

And his mind so far

He is the clown and the parasite
He is the shadow and the dream
Of all the things that lie
Behind what we seem

He sings the song
Of his life almost finished

Know that he loves her
Know that he doesn’t care

On her wedding night

Thought she was dead
On her wedding night

And the stars were not
So bright

On her wedding night

I took her to bed
On her wedding night

She threw up
I fell down

I looked up
She looked down

I got up
She fell down

Me too drunk
And she too proud

And I think I’m
Coming round

She threw up
On her wedding night

When the stars were not
So bright

And I keep thinking of her
On her wedding night

Sarah D's notes in margin:

During song Jeanette comes on, like Hiccuping Queen of Hearts; Monkhouse lurches around drunkenly with Lou Costello tick. Childe Harold grins from ear to ear.

Old Man Texas

Old Man Texas
Thought he was a western
He wore a holy Stetson

Old Man Texas
Shot the ceiling
Plastered my feelings
To the floor

Old Man Texas
Dug his heels

Old Man Texas
Used my wagon
For his twisted deals

Old Man Texas
Dumped his trash
Old Man Texas
Trashed our tower
For the needle and
The Power

Old Man Texas put nineteen
Arab boys
In the hearse

Old Man Texas went to war
For his purse

Old Man Texas
Hit the ceiling
Gagged on the floor

Old Man Texas
Left me reeling
At all his stealing

Now he sticks in his ranch
Waving an olive branch

Old Man Texas
Reads the baseball scores
In between a round of fours

Sarah D’s notes in margin:

Half way through song, Monkhouse kicks heels, drags Jeanette kicking and screaming onto dance floor for reel.

The Wild Org

Back in the Late Late Show Studio:

Sarah D: Now this is rather exciting! Ghost of Allen has brought along the Wild Org.

Cato Masked Interviewer (Masking surprise): He has.

Ring-side:

Judges standing around, for the most part looking foolish with the honourable exception of F. Amiss who is reaching for the stash in the heel of his shoe, as Ghost of Allen hasards a few notes on the Wild Org.

Sarah D. (Voice Off): Simon, we are in for a rare treat! Ghost of Allen is going to sing!

Hollering and foot stomping to the Wild Org, Ghost of Allen breaks into:

Footnote to 49th Edition

Ghost of Allen on I-scream:

Howl!

Jeanette on Jack-in-a-box:

Why not Jane?

Monkhouse over her shoulder:

Got two erseholes.

Footnote to the 49th edition:

The origins of this quibble are obscure. The nether regions of the Jack-in-a-box do not appear in the Folio version.


Childe Harolde on Twin Tower:

C****

Ghost of Allen on Capt. Corelli:
Let me play!

Jeanette on Icecream:

My favourite!

F. Amiss:

Heavy duty eyebrow action to all except Pascal’s Triangle, which merely elicits “Hm”.

The chin scratching Monkhouse comes up with alternative titles i.e. the Bermuda Triangle, or Bemusement Triangle, which still fails to elicit anything more than the aforementioned HEBA from the super louche judge.

Eye Poems (2)

Sarah D (Voice Off): Appears we are having technical problems with some of the poems. I shall just have to describe what you cannot see… an exact copy, or twin of the above tower, what purports to be Captain Corelli’s Mandolin in a jumble of black box lettering. Pascal’s Triangle encrypted with nines and elevens, an ice cream with eleven flakes, and last but not least, a Jack-in-a-box with two nines for an arm and a leg. - Now we go ring side to hear from the judges. –

Twin Tower

(2) Twin Tower

B
L
A
C
K
9
B
O
X
11

Eye poems

In competition at the BBC Awards the following eye poems have been shortlisted:

(1) X marks the spot

bl bl
o
X 9 X

Late Late Show (3)

Sarah Donut is in the Late Late Show studio with the Cato-Masked Interviewer for the BBC (Black Box Creatives) Awards.

The lights in the studio are particularly bright tonight. Sarah D has on a blue Paisley blouse, and a pair of loud purple spectacles.

Good evening, Sarah.

Good evening.

Sarah, I understand things are hotting up on the literary scene.

That’s right, Simon.

Empire of Ice Cream (13)

Danker was returned to his cell where he was made to strip his orange overalls.

He lay naked in the bright light.

Hours passed… or was it days?

Again he became conscious of a presence.

Someone had come to see him. – Although the face was obscured by the intensity of the light, he heard distinctly what was said:

If you co-operate, we will give you ice cream.

He remembered his colleague, Nylander in the bar in Stockholm.

Was he quoting or misquoting?

The only empire is the empire of ice cream.

Trial (5)

Danker was in tears.

Fearing that his wife was dead, he called her name.

What did you do to her? Someone cried angrily. She is dead!

Yes! Yes! Came other voices. He has failed the examination. - Put him to the back of the class.

It is true, said an inner voice. Every man kills the thing he loves.

In the depths of his disorientation and despair, the thought dawned on Danker. – Had he in fact killed her? He could not believe it. It was such a terrible idea. And yet it seemed true. He was appalled at himself.

He broke down. Please, he said. I have done no wrong. I will tell you everything you want to know.

Trial (4)

Danker waited, but the silence was all around him. - The court enveloped in darkness.

His accuser stepped into the light.

You must examine her, he said. She is waiting.

Danker did not understand.

Who is waiting?

Mr Danker, said his accuser. Have I made myself clear? She is your witness. It is your right to examine her.

Well, said Danker. I am not a doctor.

Mr. Danker, we are growing impatient.

Danker stepped out of his chair, and began to walk towards the light.

When he looked again, there was a woman sitting in a reclining chair. Her face shrouded.

He bent down to look closer. It was his wife.

Mimi! He cried inwardly.

But she did not make a sound. Her face under the shroud was perfectly still.

Trial (3)

The accuser seemed to speak for a long time. – Longer than Danker’s concentration could hold up. Finally, he paused – as if allowing the full effect of his words to be taken in by those in the gallery. Then, with a sweep of his hand, he said:

I call on the first witness.

Trial (2)

A terrible hush came over the courtroom. - Danker grew afraid for he realised the trial was about to begin.

A man who believed to be his accuser was pointing to a blackboard on the wall.

Mr. Danker, we would like you to read this.

Danker, who was not wearing his glasses, felt everything was out of focus. He searched in his pockets. The glasses were broken, but one of the lenses was not cracked. Even with the intact lens, however, the writing on the blackboard appeared indecipherable.

I am sorry, he said. I cannot read it.

Shall I translate?

The accuser’s voice was full of sarcasm, as he turned to the gallery and began to hold forth.

What was he saying? - It was all beyond Danker, even if he began to make out the rudiments of a case.

The Trial

Expecting to be led back into the chamber, instead, he was escorted, between two fat security guards, into what appeared to be a court of law.

A gallery of hostile faces was looking down at him. Three judges were seated at a remote desk. – The noise was deafening; Danker thought he was going to faint.

Someone called for silence, but the noise did not abate.

Danker looked around him. He could not believe what was happening. – They are going to put me on trial, he thought. What am I being accused of?

Monster Kilroy (2)

Struggling with his memories, a void had opened up.

As he tried in vain to hold onto those images of his former life (his friends and loved ones), the inner sanctum of his feelings (the sum of his egoism), he was conscious of a presence.

There followed an eerily abstract conversation.

What do you want with me? He had said.

What you know.

We know that you know, they had said.

What can there be to know? - I know nothing, he had said. But his voice had been lame with protest.

The writing was on the wall.
He could see they were trying to construct a case.
However bogus their reasoning, conviction was in their voices, the cold chill of certainty. – As if – like the Monster Kilroy - he’d been chosen to validate their reality.

Monster Kilroy

It looks like a film set,
Though you know it isn’t.

There are ketchup-like bloodstains
On the chamber walls – a graffiti doodle
Depicting a monster-like Kilroy with fangs
Almost brings a smile to your face
Until you remember

CC Murphy (2)

The Monkhouse pacing with his customary ticks stops by the table of Fat Tony and George to cue the swivel bow tie. Water squirts over Fat Tony’s face and onto his GM Burger.

Fat George begins to chuckle.

(Jus’ like Bogie to his African Queen), the Monkhouse shows a set of false teeth before launching his scattergun of gags at the bemused fat men.

“Murphy is on guard duty again. Gets to listen to cock rock again.

Murphy on guard duty again. Gets to listen to several English Officers and Gentlemen circa 1950 reading choice passages from the Necronomicon.

Murphy on guard duty again. Gets to listen to raving poofters berating each other at a drag fest fed through a magi-mix of acid beats.

Murphy on guard duty again. Gets to see the weirdest things i.e. holograms of the Illuminati and Papa Ratzinger hovering over a thousand and one splitting orifices.”

CC Murphy

Fat George and Fat Tony are in the middle of bible reading and prayers in the Springer Secure Corps Staff canteen when the unexpected happens, the stargate opens up, the Monkhouse falls through along with the Beadle box of canned laughter.

Brushing himself down, the Monkhouse approaches the spotlight:

They call me Concentration Camp Murphy. It’s sod’s law working for the Springer Wraith.

The Monkhouse looks about him theatrically before seizing the imaginary moment:

Do not move, or even breathe, if you wish to catch Der Springer before he finally leaves the limbo dancers behind.

Fat George and Fat Tony

Tis late at night; everyone has gone home. The Springer Secure Corp Staff canteen is all but empty except for Fat Tony and Fat George who are about to tuck into their stolen GM burgers and Delors French Fries.

Tony: The meal looks wholesome.

George: I always did enjoy these GM burgers, Tony.

Tony: They are the best. - As for these Delors French Fries

George: Very tasty, Tony. But first we must say our prayers.

Tony: I see you have your Good News bible.

George: It’s always best to come prepared, Tony. One never knows what might happen.

Tony: And which passage do you have for me today, George?

George: As always, the extract from the Book of Revelations.

The Soccer Team

A motorbike skids in front of the chauffeur driven Merc. A hooded man in a soccer shirt (black and white stripe of Juventus or Newcastle Brown) swivels round with Uzi.

The tyres puncture.
The Merc swerves.

A man in the red and black of AC Milan emerges from behind a tree with a pump action rifle.

A bullet shatters the side window.
The driver flops down.

A third and fourth man both in the Chelsea strip come behind the Merc showering bullets.

The back door on the passenger side opens. The South American General jumps out.

Weighed down by a row of medals, the SA General staggers a few yards.

A fifth man (in Real Madrid strip) aims his pistol.

The bullet speeds towards the forehead of the SA dictator.

The simulation ends with a shot of the crowd roaring from the San Sero stadium.


Returning to that motel room in the skies where the spooks are twiddling their thumbs:

First Voice: And they call themselves the Soccer Team?

Second Voice: Yes, it appears they are ex-Bosnia.

First Voice: Must have slipped through the net during the roundup of atrocities.

Third Voice: In that case, I am sure our department will find a use for them.

Second Voice: I believe they are already in the process of drawing up the feasibility study.

Aux Vins de France (2)

French journalist, H. C. Leduc wishes to realise his dream/plan for selling fine wines.

There are two phases:

(1) Aux Vins de France sells fine wines (already sampled) to restaurants all over France. Restaurants receive a commission for getting personal customers to buy off the Internet from Aux Vins de France.

(2) Aux Vins de France sets up franchising that incorporates restaurants, top quality wine merchants and warehouses. Aux Vins de France becomes a brand.

Feasibility studies for this project have already been carried out in the Languedoc. It works, but Aux Vins de France lack the funds to carry it through.

Market research suggests that restaurants in both Baton Rouge, Florida and Hamburg, Germany would be interested in coming on board.

Aux Vins de France have a business plan (17 pages), a copy of which I have in French, and an interactive CD-rom (about 60 pages).

Aux Vins de France are looking for investors in both the old and the new world.

In the event of success, Shazam Inc have agreed to act as sleeping partners for a point two five share in the profits. A contingency plan has also been drawn up to transfer said profits to an offshore account situated somewhere in the treasure islands of the Caribbean.

Hell, looks like someone’s pipe dream.

How’bout retirement plan?

At any rate, it looks dishonest. - What is the connection with the Bends?

Search me… It says click here for the Soccer Team.

Aux Vins de France

The Doc and Kola are eyeballing the launch of the Bends via the wraparounds when the Doc lets out a yelp.

Check out the label on that bottle of wine. What does it read?

Aux Vins de France.

It figures! The Frenchman must be involved!

Canapés (2)

Snatch of conversation over the canapés as over-heard by the flying doc on the wall and his partner, as the Robo butler continues to swat bon viveurs:

Sheikh: Salem, where is your lovely wife ce soir – don’t tell me she is otherwise engaged?

Shazam (Pointedly ignoring the Sheikh, and turning to the Senator’s wife): Dorothy, I should try the duck pate if I were you. It’s rather good.

Senator Carson’s wife: Thank you, I have to watch my lines.

Sheikh: Dear girl, someone of your stature need never worry about her lines. – Indeed, she is always welcome in my harem.

Shazam: Senator Carson, apropos the project we have in mind, my accountant is somewhere in the vicinity.

Sheikh: Ah, must be the little chap ogling my girls.

Doc (Off): Hell, I just knew it! Manfredi is carrying out a feasibility study…

Kola (Off): For the Mercedes Bends?

Doc (Off): No, I believe they are planning to use the Bends in the ad campaign, though, along with the Delaneys.

The Bends

Kola inquires of the Doc:

Anyway, why do they call it the Bends?

Appears there’s some kind of stretch in the middle.

Doc, you saying it’s jus’ had surgery?

No, I’m saying you don’t have to turn round corners.

Well, I sincerely hope it’s got all the latest gizmos.

And some! - Naturally it has been furnished with a drinks cabinet full of twenty year old malt whiskies. - Also a medicine chest.

Doctor Dino will be pleased.

As will the Colombians. - Got one of those folding glass tabletops for sampling lines. – In fact, the Bends is being shipped to S.A. but not, it turns out, to the cartels, but one of those S.A. generals who become dictators after trial democracy.

Where does it say that?

Kola, baby, can’t you read the signs?

Canapés

A swarm of bon viveurs attacks the plate of canapés, which consist of:

(1) Slithers of Scottish smoke salmon on sesame seeded toast,
(2) Iranian black caviar on organic Mothers Pride
(3) Asparagus spears on real Parmesan cheese
(4) And fois gras spread on oaten wafers, which is driving the Bond viveurs particularly crazy.

The Robo butler takes evasive action by raising the plate above his head and bringing out a fly swat with which to hit the more troublesome bon viveurs.

Mercedes Bends (2)

The media pack click away at the gleaming nickel-plated automobile that would have done old Gatsby proud. Two lovelies (must be Hanoi and Queen Jane) hang off the side doors in long black evening gowns with scissor snips up the sides and held together by Versace safety pins. The Sheikh (in custom built Foster Grants) can be seen hobnobbing in the background with none other than Senator Carson and his wife. But who is that other chap with the pencil tash the Sheikh at this very moment is calling dear boy if not Salem Shazam.

The Doc inquires rhetorically:

What is Salem Shazam doing at the launch of the Bends? – Kola, it must be the canapés!

Mercedes Bends

The Mercedes Bends comes up on the turntable of its L.A. showroom to collective gasps from the media pack.

Over the videocam Stormtrooper cries:

It has all the latest technologies.

Jabba mutters under his breath:

Technology is uncountable, ersehole.

Chav Leakers’ Alley

Someone (must be the Baxter) has sent him a click of Horny Dog on a New Year binge. Looks like Horny Dog’s found a game bitch to perform the task at hand down some Chav Leakers’ Alley. Comes the critical moment surmounting the haunches of said bitch when the accident happens. A projectile of what looks disturbingly like dinner of putrid green mucous that has been consumed in a hospital for cold sufferers and consumptives is launched from his heaving guts; which perhaps explains why his bitch has vacated the premises in such a hurry.


Apropos the above, he writes:

Kola, I know you just had enough of me getting off on my own monkey! – Why, I cheerfully admit to hogging the wraparounds! Inter ales, some very important information is being disseminated at this very moment on the Internet. (So if you will accept my sincerest – most heart-felt apologies, the Doc will endeavour to search that forgotten Christmas present that was on my mind – I swear on Mad Mustafa’s God - before it became so entangled in eyeballing the scenes above as below.)

Mystery Black Boxes (8)

But one of the most interesting black box mysteries is my own. As the pattern of alien black box devices began to emerge from the data, I gathered my references together to produce this article on my computer. One night, I strolled through the menus of my computer files to be certain that I had not already created a reference file for this article. I was surprised to discover a .4K file named "Box" already on the drive. I wondered if I had forgotten that I created it, working through the night as I often do. I pulled up the "Box" file to check the contents and I literally could not believe my eyes. I ran to get my husband to witness the event. There, on a word processing file with no graphic capabilities, mind you, was a 1" by 2" outline of a black box!

In order to create this kind of graphic on a word processing program, one would need to know computer programming. I don't, my husband doesn't and no one else has access to my equipment. Besides that, my computer is not" online"-no random hacker could have surreptitiously inserted the file on my hard drive, at least not in any way we currently understand. We even checked with the computer experts who last upgraded the equipment. They did not know about my proposed black box article, and indeed knew absolutely nothing about how this graphic black box presented itself on a file in my computer. They couldn't even guess.

I just have to chalk up this experience as another Black Box Mystery. I didn't put the box there. I couldn't have, even if I wanted to. This "Box" file defies all logic and should not exist. But it does. Just as aliens are not supposed to exist; but they do. And many of them seem to depend on their little black boxes to make sure we get that message.

Black Box Mysteries (7)

In two cases of mysterious black boxes, we have little evidence to even hazard a guess of the boxes' function. Antonio Villas-Boas' experience of an encounter with a female alien is a classic in the literature. Villas-Boas was abducted aboard an alien craft and reportedly had intercourse with a frail but beautiful alien woman. She indicated to the witness that his sperm was needed to enhance the alien's species.

After the coupling, Villas-Boas noticed a square box with a glass top on board the craft. It had markings resembling a clock at the 3, 6 and 9 o'clock positions. At the 12 o'clock position, the witness noted four vertical marks. When he attempted to take the box as proof of his experience, the alien captors seemed angry and forcibly removed the box from the witness. Villas-Boas mentioned that the aliens seemed to glance at the box occasionally, but he stated that the box's single hand did not move. This strange box did appear to be an alien time keeping device of some sort, but in another similar case, we might note that appearances can be deceiving.

In 1967,Tad Jones observed a large disc blocking the road in Dunbar, West Virginia. He received a message the next day warning him to remain silent about his UFO sighting. One week later, Jones saw a "man" standing near the UFO site holding a box with a large clock-like dial on it. A wire was attached to the box and ran from it to the man's other hand. The witness could offer no other evidence about the strange man or his strange box. However, we can be certain that these boxes serve the aliens' purpose in ways we don't yet understand.

Mystery Black Boxes (6)

One of the most chilling reminders of the aliens' advanced technology occurred in 1965 when two Venezuelan businessmen and a doctor observed a landing craft. Two seven-foot aliens exited the ship. During a prolonged telepathic discussion, the aliens told the men that they had devices-specifically, a "wave compressor" - that could disintegrate the moon. But instead of employing a force of that magnitude, they had merely brought a few portable devices to earth that were powerful enough to halt a plutonium explosion.

The wave-compressor device that the alien mentioned may be related to the gravity wave/graviton beam device debated often by technologically-oriented Ufologists. Is it possible that a box or cube of some foreign material could somehow absorb or contain gravity waves? Could these waves conceivably act upon themselves with in the box to produce the kind of force necessary to control minds, travel through space-time, or obliterate the moon? The answer eludes us, but it is a compelling mystery to contemplate.

Black Box Mysteries (5)

In other cases, the alien boxes are not so benign; alien boxes are also used as weapons. In 1970, two skiers in southern Finland happened upon a UFO. The craft emitted a beam of light on the ground and the witnesses observed a glowing, bizarre-looking alien descend within it. In its' hands was a mysterious black box. The alien activated the box and a fierce light beam hit the two skiers. They subsequently suffered from radiation-like sickness long after the event.

In 1965, a former air force security officer witnessed an unforgettable demonstration of the ominous alien black box. "Jim" was investigating strange phenomena on his Colorado ranch when he detected a yellow light behind some trees. As he walked toward the site, he discovered a box that emitted a buzzing sound. He approached the box and noticed that the buzzing increased. Instinctively, he backed away.

Later, he tried again to investigate and was met by two Nordic aliens. They affirmed, telepathically, that he had done the right thing by leaving the box alone. To prove it, the aliens coerced a Bigfoot creature out of the woods to approach the box. As it did, the box changed tone and the creature instantly dropped. The aliens backed up their demonstration by stating that the boxes were "quite lethal" - a classic understatement.

Mystery Black Boxes (4)

In another abduction report, Carl Higdon of Wyoming encountered a non- human being standing in front of a six-foot cube. The alien reportedly used the cube object to transport Higdon to the alien's home world and back again.

Donna Butts of Kansas reported many encounters with a luminous being she called "Peter" After one encounter, the being touched a small box on his side and faded from view.

The alien boxes that are described in some cases seem to be harmless containers as in a Brazilian encounter where the witness observed three aliens collecting nature samples in a large box. In another case, it appears as though the alien was taking a photo of the human, rather than the other way around.

In 1965, John Reeves observed a robot-like being in Florida. When the robot-alien became aware of Reeves' presence, it fetched a box from its craft and pointed the box at the witness Reeves noticed that the strange box emitted a single flash, much like a flash camera.

A tall, thin one-eyed alien with a light-emitting box was seen in Brazil by two young brothers. Though the alien seemed to make a threatening gesture to the children, they somehow believed the alien was "good and would return."

Mystery Black Boxes (3)

In New York, Gary Wilcox encountered two short humanoids who claimed Mars as their home planet. One helmeted alien used the box on its chest to calm the fearful witness. A young receptionist in England was not so lucky. She witnessed a UFO that seemed to zoom in and attack her. Later, she was visited by two "men in black" who interrogated her unmercifully. The father of the witness could not explain why he allowed such treatment of his daughter except to say that the "men in black" carried a box-like implement that may have been a mind control device

In 1992, a witness named "Frances " was awakened by frightening nightmares and discovered a square-looking black box on her chest that seemed to initiate an abduction episode.

Several cases of alien encounters describe boxes of various sizes that appear to be transport devices. In Germany, Oscar Linke and his daughter watched two silver suited aliens enter a disc-shaped craft. One carried a flashing box inside and the craft began vibrating. Then it lifted and began spinning at increasing revolutions until it rose out of sight.

Mystery Black Boxes (2)

In one case, a group of survey workers in Brazil had an experience with three seven-foot tall aliens who drew a star chart indicating Uranus as their home world. The aliens wore translucent suits equipped with metal-like boxes.

In Mexico, a witness talked with two aliens, outfitted similarly with helmets, belts and small, black shiny boxes on their backs. It seems that at least some aliens need almost as much protection against us as we do from them.

In other encounter reports, certain aliens employed a "Mindscan" technique, presumably to read the thoughts of humans or control their actions. This procedure was described at length by Dr. David Jacobs in Secret Life. In Mindscan, an alien "leader" will often use its huge, hypnotic eyes to mind-meld so to speak, with humans to retrieve memories or to plant a post-hypnotic suggestion to forget the experience. But other aliens, as well as ' men in black"- strange humans or humanoids who often claim to work for government agencies- seem to require technology to manipulate the minds of humans, for good or evil.

Mystery Black Boxes

Black boxes seem to play an important role in many close encounters. These alien black boxes seem to have multiple functions from mind control to transportation. In other instances, the boxes appear to be innocuous breathing apparatuses protecting alien physiology from our atmosphere, or perhaps, vice -versa.

Over the past fifty years, we have seen growing indications that alien encounters with humans are increasing, even though aliens are not supposed to exist. We are getting a clear message that whatever the alien reality ultimately proves to be, it affects human beings and our world. The only way we will discover the truth is to keep searching and investigating. As the encounters are more frequently reported, we have a broader database with which to work in identifying emerging patterns and in forming hypotheses from them.

For instance, we have noted that aliens use a variety of devices for a variety of reasons in their earthly encounters with humans. We have learned that some aliens wear protective gear - helmets, tubing, containers and "diving suits"; some aliens give abductees a type of medical scan with a large eyelike machine; while other aliens use pen- like or cylinder-like devices to stun humans into a state of paralysis.

Cake and Sherry (2)

Dieterling still has the headset on as Longfellow was saying with typical facetiousness:

One sincerely hopes he didn’t leave his box behind. - Anyway, must’ve been Miss St Clair put the wind up him. Says she saw a shadow in his aura.

Longfellow puts the cake down on the table minus its wrapper. He brings a waiter’s corkscrew and knife from his trouser pocket and proceeds to cut the cake. - By the way, he says, we got any sherry glasses?

Deiterling looks on blankly.

Old chap, have you forgotten? – The Fortnum and Mason’s hamper? The Madeira cake?

Dieterling finally clicking:

The chap from the Foreign Policy Unit? - The bon viveur?

The very same. – It just came in the post, along with this.

He shoves a Manilla envelope in front of Dieterling’s twitching nose.

Cake and Sherry

A bottle of sherry lands on the desk before Dieterling.

He looks up and sees it was Longfellow with a cake in his hands.

Walk-in

Turned out they had given him a polygraph test – including one of those trick questions re the Anti-Gravitational Field Allbright liked to throw in. Dieterling always admires Allbright’s professionalism – his refusal to lap things up and give into credulity. The most that could be said was that he was sincere in his beliefs. But when they had wanted to do further tests, the Walk-in had disappeared via the fire escape.

Key Shift

Let me get this straight.
You retain this planet
Shifted in its axis once
About x zillion years ago
Will do so again
In the not too distant future
- It is written in the stars.
We are about to shift to another dimension.
We are in for a key shift.

(Pause)

(Unintelligible)

Well, I like your sense of humour, even if I don’t get it.

(Unintelligible)