Second Attack (2)

Jabba adamantly:

The second attack will happen. It won’t be from Mars.

Jonathan: This is childish, Jabba. The Green Men are coming through the radio waves. They have already breached the outer atmosphere defences. They are slipping through the stargates.

Jabba: Jonathan, you may have a great Mensa Mind, but I fail to see how Mars could attack. I mean there’s nothing on the red planet, except for the face of Cydonia and a few frozen, hundred of thousand year old bacteria.

Jonathan: Dreams sometimes speak to us, Jabba. They send messages to the kings and king-makers.

Jabba: Hogwash!

Jonathan: Whilst we are on the subject of hogwash, Jabba, would you care for my great mensa mind to deconstruct your theory of titanium demolition?

Sharkhunter says:

Jabba, methinks Jonathan may have a point, however rarum. (The most plausible theory of demolition involves so-called bio-thermic explosives) - Besides, something tells me Miss St Clair and Adele Wallace will have something to say on the subject of Mars Attacks.

Jabba says:

Sharkie, I did not have you down as a seance nut.

Sharkhunter says:

In my pocket book, Jabba, they’re all coming through the fifth dimension.

Hoarfrost adds:

By the way, didn’t I read somewhere – must’ve been the Sceptical Enquirer - Payne and Payne just been taken over by Dolphin Insurance?

SharkHunter says:

Damn! Just knew Der Springer had to be in there somewhere, erseholes.

Second Attack

Jonathan: I have a confession to make, Sharkie. Last night I dreamt of a second attack.

Sharkie: For the special effects? – I see it now. Siegfried’s death pangs in the settling dust!

Jonathan: I am serious, Sharkie. I feel sure it was a premonition, and not just of demolition.

Sharkie: Jonathan, I thought you were inclined towards scepticism. In fact, I believed it was an attribute of your great Mensa Mind.

Jonathan: Too true, Sharkie. However, one can – from time to time - have a Pauline conversion.

Sharkie: On the way to Baghdad!

Jonathan: I jest you not. Mars will attack!

The Rim Piece

Jonathan: Gentlemen, I am mortally wounded, though perhaps not surprised by the lapses of your un-mensa-ed minds. How can you fail to forget our little chat with Harold and Ann?

Sharkie: And the childe Harold?

Jabba: Those fine wine spritzers! –

Sharkie: If I recall, your exact words were, lets bring the Ring to New York. Lets drag crapulous Richard Wagner kicking and screaming to the death zone! ‘Twill be a re-baptism by fire.

Jonathan (Smiling through his interface): Music to my ears! Opera in the open air!

Sharkie: Jonathan, refresh my memory. Was there a threat from the Childe Harold?

Jonathan: My mensa mind fails to encompass a recollection of a threat from the Childe Harold unless it was Fuck the Rim Piece!

Mensa Mind

J. Miller aka Mensa Man muscling in from the Sceptical Enquirer:

All this is surely beside the point…

What, prey, is the point, Jonathan, wants to know Sharkie.

Sharkie, says Jonathan, it is a point ad rarum.

Sharkie: As rare as your Mensa Mind, Jonathan.

Jabba: Which is indeed a rare thing!

(Click here for the Mensa Test sustained by Jonathan, and here for the results and his position in the Mensa League)

Kim Philby

Sharkhunter: Jabba, I did not have you down as a demolition nut.

Jabba: Sharkie, I also happen to be your spy ring nut, your fourth plane nut, your death ray nut, your Muller yoghurt with Muesli and nuts nut.

Sharkhunter: In short your nut’s nut.

Jabba: Man, I even got Kim Philby in there!

Sharkhunter: You have?

Jabba: It is a little known but nonetheless wild rumour from the erse end of the Cold War that the British spy, Sir Kimberly Philby auctioned off his code books to Osama B.

Sharkhunter: No Kidding!

Titanium Hypothesis

(Fraught editor notes:

When this one came up I thought of putting it in the comments only to find it flew literally – I mean literally out of hand.)

Jabba says:

Well, I heard it was titanium got the terrible twins.

Sharkhunter says:

Of all the whacked out quacked out theories knocking around 9/11! - Kindly explain the math, ersehole.

Jabba says:

It’s simple, ersehole. Some dude from the backwoods of Oklahoma developed these titanium-coated explosives.

Sharkhunter says:

Right, jefe. And you’re going to tell me the Kluckers and the White Supremacists and all the rest of the ragbag army of morons cunningly entered the WTC, planted their titanium bombs and walked out with all those top erseholes who worked in the WTC failing to notice anything?

Jabba says:

How else do you explain those steel girders pulverising into dust? – Do you know what temperature it takes for those things to melt? I’m telling you they done the math, Sharkie. Senator C and the boys weren’t putting any of that stuff in the phoney “Cricketers” report.

Regarding Chest Pains

While much appreciating the chest-plane gag, Star Glazer wishes to point out that 8000 employees of Payne and Payne are currently in the process of suing NYC for failing to notify citizens of the fall-out from the collapse of the WTC. Analysis of dust particles collecting on the walls of the Payne and Payne edifice have revealed a high incidence of asbestos, and other such pollutants harmful to humanist lungs…

Doctor Feelgood

Returning – albeit momentarily to those melancholy or is it mordant internet lovers we left some time ago…

She (As Lost Soul): It is true I do not like the idea of coming winter, but it was not that I was thinking.

He (as her Romeo, Knight Rider): Let me guess. ‘Tis the treacherous flight, the deceitful arc –

She (as begrudging Kola): How ‘bout the fatal ramming?

He (as the Monkhouse): Oh, that old chest-pain! We of the walking wounded etc. – (As Self) - That’s what they want, after all… You only option is to forget, participate in the collective “amnesia is easier”.

She (Smiling finally as self): Doctor Feelgood? –

He (Smiling too): Yes, Doctor Feelgood, read through Doctor Savage.

She: Suppose you are right. Must bow to the inevitable, sea change of seasonal forgetting.

He: Either that, or fast forward to the end of the Reich.

Winter Hairy

Yesterday it rained. All day.
Started in the morning. Didn’t let up.
I took the car. It shat down.
It stopped for maybe half an hour.
Clouds overhead
I thought that’s it, end of your summer.
No more beach swims, waxing on bikini lines
I’ll go back to being pale white
And winter hairy –

Editor’s note

Well, apart from those songs and sketches, jokes old and new, that’s about it… If we are honest there isn’t much of a plot just the odd trail that may or may not lead into something else.

The Coma Girl Ream

The story so far
As told in the Coma Girl Ream

To be read in a doom-laden voice (shades of Fraser) against a background of air sirens (shades of Warmington on Sea):

Flying through the night
In ol’ Henri Claude’s kite
Flipping through a dream
The coma girl’s ream
The horsemen are in the news
Let’s the jihads pays their dues
The Commissioner is wishin’
The black box ain’t missin’.

Citizens panic, citizens flee.
Havelockian Wrath comes to Kadath.
Plots start to hatch
Chins to involuntary scratch
The headlines breed
Aliens the new batch!

Satellite Springer falls to earth,
Golf buggies spit up the turf
The war on Terror gathers pace
With those Kamikazi Trojans
In the race
Kneel before the Wall
Lest the Elders forget it all

When the black ops go fishin’,
And ol’ Danker goes missin’
Send in the A team -

It’s just another dream
Here in the Empire of Ice Cream
Bring out the qat
And the high-falutin’ professors
In party hats

Walk on Parts

Walk on parts include:

Raul Castro, Francisco Scaramanga, Oven Grill Bill, Black Stick Man, Black Shadow Woman, Storm Trooper, Homeboy, Sergeant Jack Vincennes, the Four Horsemen and many more.

Cast of 1001 Nights

Internet Lovers, authors of the Black Box (attributed)
Felice a.k.a. Coma Girl
O, mistress of Langland Springer
Hajda, friend of O and Coma Girl
Salem Shazam, dirty corporado
Manfredo Manfredinni, his diminutive accountant
Langland Springer, tyrannical tycoon
Senator Carson, vice-chair of BB Commission
Clarence Speakes, diddling judge
The Doc, Gonzo journalist
Sheikh Yer Booty*, oil magnate
Khalid, jihadist
Thierry del Fuego, missing revolutionary
Kola Boof, danseuse and womanist poet
Danker, kidnapped academic

Dieterling
Allbright
Longfellow, Parasite analysts

Craxman, floating Parasite

Miss St Clair
Adele Wallace, clairvoyants

Dante
Tasso
Gregorius, remote viewers

Professor Hex
Professor Horn, doctors of parapsychology

The Monkhouse, spirit of stand-up past

Commissioner Kay, head of BB search party
S.A. Alvarez, special agent
Henri Claude, pirate of Air Americas

Knight Rider
Sharkhunter
Hoarfrost
Jabba the Hut, BB bloggers

* Some analysts have suggested Sheikh Your or Yer-Booty is in fact Sheikh LeBooty, but this may in fact be part of disinformation campaign by old OSS/Navy Intelligence working hand in glove with rogue affiliates from Karachi.

Member Request

Recently joined members of the BB have put in a request for clarification. Though the editors are at pains to stress clarification is not always easy in these confused and confusing times they will do their best to oblige.

The General

The sheet slips off
The General is standing to attention.

Kola shrieks

L’Attaque! L’Attaque!

Kola: Poor little doc – couldn’t find his Custer…

Doc: I never come looking for him in the Bush, if that’s what you mean.

Kola: I didn’t mean.

Doc: Well, what did you mean?

Kola (Iron-izing): Now that would be mean.

The Doc swoops in the sheet as cape
Shouting L’Attaque!
L’Attaque!

Kola shrieks

L’Attaque

Kola: But you didn’t fight back, you coward.

Doc: Coward or not, I was full of neuroses.

Kola: Just like Mr X.

Doc (Grins): We thought Mr X was a spy. - Me, my mother. It was a joke I s’pose, but he liked to play up to it.

Kola: In what way?

Doc: He enjoyed outwitting people. - You know L’Attaque?

Kola: Sounds like one of those competitive manist games.

Doc: We used to play L’Attaque in the evenings on holiday. The name of the game was to capture your opponent’s general. I could never work out where he put his. Every time I tried to guess where it was, it felt like you know -

Kola: Like he’s switched attaché cases.

Doc: Yes, it was all very cunning and devious. I felt very foolish and small.

Attaché Case Hypothesis 3.5

Doc: The stupid thing was I had the attaché case in my hand, and I couldn’t move. I knew I should let go of the attaché case, but I didn’t. Seriously I’ve often thought about it. If I let go of the attaché case, I could have shaken myself free and run away.

Kola: Or fought back?

Doc: Fought back against that ersehole?

Cut in of the Doc’s runty childhood enemy: in a pair of flaring M& S slacks and shiny brown platforms

Kola: Those Oxfam hand-me-downs! – Where I come from, they was in fashion back in the Eighties.

Doc (Grinning): You get the point, Kola. Would’ve been two Seventies Erseholes - Donald Duck v Clarke Kent in Attackers.

Cut in of the young Doc in said shoes -

Attaché Case Hypothesis 3.4

Kola: So you were alone with the Clockwork Orange Gang. Your friends had scrammed.

Doc: Yes. I tried to get away, but this ersehole grabbed me from behind and twisted my arm like this –

Kola: Hey!

Doc: Stuck a wet sponge over my mouth. - At the time it seemed like a very cruel, inhuman gesture. Besides, I remember looking around at the grown-ups and thinking what’s going on? Why aren’t they doing anything, erseholes? It was like a dream. All these grown-up erseholes – that’s how I thought of them – all these grown-up erseholes walking around us, and ignoring us. - Me with the wet sponge over my face. - The ersehole kept saying in my ear:

Give me fifty pee!

Or something equally insane like:

My mates want fifty pee!

Attaché Case Hypothesis 3.3

Doc (Continuing): Anyway, the Clockwork Orange Gang was waiting for us outside the station. They were in uniform. Shirt sleeves. – It was summer and damn hot. They came at us hard

Kola: Like a Macedonian Phalanx.

Doc: How did you guess? - There was no way past them. My friend Lumley Kelly who always was quick off the blocks in spite of his lumpy size dodged the other way. Steve Ross was just behind, and I s’pose you’ve guessed it was the young doc bringing up the rear. -

Attaché Case Hypothesis 3.2

The Doc (Continuing): At the time there was a Comp gang, or perhaps several gangs terrorising the Common. Once I remember a boy from the gang was following this ginger head from the local girl’s school. He had a stick . He went up behind her and tried to lift up her skirt. She was just like you Kola. - Strong and mean. She turned round and balled him out. The other boys were pissing themselves. - Suddenly, the pigs arrived. They came onto the common in their pandas and busted the gang.

Kola: So what’s going down?

The Doc: You mean, besides having a good laugh at their expense. My good friend Steve Ross did a very cool imitation of Danny from Hawaii Five Oh… Suppose we must have forgotten all about them till, one day, we were walking along the Broadway towards the station. I reckon we’d gone into the sweet shop to get some pop ice or bubble gum. We liked the bubble gum because we used to collect the stickers. Though I’m sure I don’t remember any stickers of a nubile Kola!

Kola (Throwing the pillow at the Doc): You erse!

Attaché Case Hypothesis 3.1

The Doc (Begins): The action always began after school. - On the Common. The Common was fraught with potential dangers. Though I admit not as much as your Bush…

Kola (With Pillow in hand): You erse-!

Rite of Passage

The Doc (explaining): The attaché case was one of his essential attributes. He took it everywhere. - The bank, the airport. I couldn’t imagine him without it. If he didn’t have it with him, you knew, somehow the world wasn’t right.

Kola: And it happened like that? - As you wrote it in the story.

The Doc: Um, not exactly.

Kola (Sneer in her smile): You mean I have to listen to one of your alternative hypotheses?

The Doc: How ‘bout rite of passage?

Kola (With more of the sneer): You boys always have those.

Life is sweet

Oh! Life is sweet
The champagne is on ice
And the doc is in five star suite
With the Boof wrapped round him
In a silk sheet

Oh! Life is sweet!

Attache Casé Hypothesis (2.5)

Still fuming, X walked out onto the street and hailed a taxi.

The taxi pulled up; X went to get in.

As he did so, he knocked the attaché case. The lock did not flick up as it had done before.

Suddenly it dawned on X the attaché case in his hand did not belong to him, but someone else.

Attaché Case Hypothesis (2.4)

X was just walking out of the shop, when he saw the deli woman. He began to remonstrate with her. Why, did you leave my attaché case with the old man?

The deli woman looked at him with disbelief. – But X did not have time to wait for her answer.

Attaché case Hypothesis (2.3)

Several hours later, having attended to his other business, X returned to the delicatessen to find the deli woman had gone out.

X did not have time to wait. He went upstairs and knocked on the door.

An old man answered.

The old man went back into the room and returned with X’s attaché case.

Attaché Case Hypothesis (2.2)

There was a queue in the delicatessen; X was starting to feel his impatience get the better of him when his number came up.

X asked for four slices of uncooked ham. Don’t forget the tins of tomato, he said. We ordered those yesterday.

The deli woman went into the back, and brought out the tins. – X checked the number against his list.

X was about to put the uncooked ham in his attaché case, when he had second thoughts.

X slipped the ham into his jacket pocket, and asked the deli woman for a plastic bag.

Attaché Case Hypothesis (2.1)

X had just come from the airport where he’d picked up the attaché case from the left hand luggage.

The taxi drove X into town; there was a traffic jam coming up over the fly-over. - X did not have much time to waste, so he asked the driver to drop him off.

X was just stepping out of the taxi when someone bumped into him. The lock on his attaché case flicked up.

For a second X saw the attaché case opening up, and everything falling out for everyone in the street to see.

X wanted to remonstrate with the offending person, but caught himself just in time.

Attaché Case Hypothesis (1.3)

B’s step-dad had to go to a meeting somewhere. Trouble was he didn’t have anywhere to put his things now he didn’t have an attaché case. He asked B if he could borrow the old case. B said, “No you can’t. You gave it me. It’s my attaché case.”

B’s step-dad flew off the handle. B was pretty surprised by what his step-dad was saying. He looked to his mum, but she seemed to be taking his step-dad’s side.

Go on, B, she said. Why don’t you give him it back?

B burst into tears and ran to his room. He threw himself on the bed and balled into his pillow.

Why, B didn’t give a flying damn anymore about the stupid old attaché case with the stupid old lock that flicked up whenever you ran. As far as he was concerned, his step-dad could keep it.

Attaché Case Hypothesis (1.2)

B’s step-dad was on a trip when someone stole his new attaché case. When B’s mum asked where he left it, he was pretty upset. Told her some cock and bull story about leaving it in the left hand luggage. When he got back to pick it up, the attaché case was gone. - He was still shaking his head and saying life was full of injustice when they phoned from the airport to say sorry, his attaché case hadn’t showed up.

B could understand. If someone took his attaché case, he would have felt the same.

Attaché Case Hypothesis (1.1)

One day, B’s step-dad went out and bought a new attaché case. When he made B a present of his old one, B was pretty pleased. Even if it was a bit scratched, he could put all his books inside. They fitted in a pretty neat way. There was a special folder for paper and three clips for pens. When he walked to school, he felt pretty important. - Just like a grown up.

There was just one snag with the attaché case. When he wanted to run, one of the locks flicked up. It was the same problem when he knocked the case against something. – B asked his step-dad if he had the key, so he could lock it. His step-dad couldn’t find it, but said not to worry he would see about getting another key cut. – Trouble was his step-dad forgot all about the key. B had to like and lump it, the fact the lock flicked up whenever he ran or knocked it against something.

Square on Isosceles

With concentration levels now on the wane, the Professors have been called in to deconstruct the scene – apparently rich with semiotic detail - Dieterling, as usual, taking notes. One of the professors – Hex or Horn – always difficult to say - gives a Eureka cry.

What is it, Professor, a hypothesis?

Indeed, Professor, the makings of several hypotheses.

Well, as long as it does not involve Socrates. Or indeed the square on the isosceles...

Shower of Squids

A shower of squids
One of the habitual hazards
Of the astral plane –

Mike has lost it; Gregorius, too.
Dante still hanging on in there grips
The Leather backed office chair
Never having entirely got rid
Of his physical revulsion

Hairy Dwarf

Mike pulls back
From one of those hairy dwarves -
Crop up at the most annoying of times
As if something or someone deliberately
Occulting their view of the box

Bell Jar

Allbright holds his head, as do Longfellow and Dieterling.
The three analysts are feeling the weight. Pressure on the cerebellum.

It always happens like this in the Bell Jar - the pioneers of remote viewing realising if they were to ever master this most tricky of ESP skills had to get their heads onto the wavelength of the depressed Plathian heroine.

Upright attaché

With the others guiding him, it doesn’t take much, just a gentle push… Mike finds himself in a room full of shadowy figures all trying to fight their way to the front. If the level of hysteria unnerves Mike, he tries not to let it get the better of him.

The black box is laid out on a white tablecloth, next to an upright attaché case.

What puzzles Mike, however, is that the figures in the room are taking no interest in the black box. Instead, claw-like hands grapple with the locks on the attaché case. From time to time one of the locks flicks up and the hands pull back. A murmur goes round the room.

Mike watches. The scene is on endless, he feels – futile repeat.

74 km from Shanghai

Abseiling upside down a sheer rock face… fast shooting as she goes at what Mike Tasso takes to be a gang of Triads is a sexcat in black kit.

With Triads falling left, right and centre, the said cat drops onto the ground, ducking ping-ponging bullets – a Triad speciality Mike knows from his school time experiences of match-play with various Chinese. – In one flick of the knife from her boot she fells the Triad that was about to take out her lousy male partner… and even has time to re-sheathe her miraculously bloodless weapon. Mike holds up his hand chuckling when he realises that it is a plasma screen vision of Lara Croft, Tomb Raider. He turns to share the joke, but it appears both Dante and Gregorius are onto something…

Le Tea Break

During le tea break in the Parasite canteen, a discussion is going on pace the efficacy of various infusions.

In my modest opinion, dear, the best readings are with Earl Grey. I have also had some success with Assam and Darjeeling. Mind you, very little with Ceylon.

Au contraire, ma chère, all my best work is done with Ceylon.

Adele Wallace agitates her fan as she speaks. Like Mademoiselle de Maintenant whom she feels sure was if not one of her previous lives - was at any rate an objet of admiration:

Ceylon reminds us of the plantation that we once grew up in. You may recall, ma chère, what a successful reincarnation that was for me. -

Miss St Clair pricks up her extra-sensory ears… something is afoot. Spirits can be heard chattering excitedly up and down the corridors, the Magi have put down their wands, and Allbright has just spilt his frappe… it appears the remote viewers have caught a glimpse of the black box. Not as everyone imagined in the ruins of the WTC but

Friends of Dorothy

Shark: I knew it just had to be the friends of Dorothy in there somewhere!

Hoar: Sharkster, you homophobic creep!

Shark: I admit, Hoarsome, I do not like the idea one hundred percent of close encounters from behind.

Jabba: In this case it came out a lobe…

Hoar: Precisely, it’s not in the genes.

Jabba: Nor in those tight Wranglers.

Shark: You crazed fools! Where is the Doc when you need someone to fix a hex!

Black Stick Man

The following account is slightly shortened but otherwise unchanged and comes from my diary record for Tuesday, 31st October 1978. Only the names have been changed. We were all aged between 15 and 17 at the time. The Loose Valley referred to is near Langley, Viriginia… My diary record also indicates that there was a new moon on that night.

"I will record a rather unpleasant experience that took place tonight. A group of about ten of us were sitting chatting in the Loose Valley at about midnight. After about 45 minutes Will leapt to his feet slapping his head saying there was a bee in his hair; he looked absolutely terrified. Both Dorothy and I saw the outline of a tall, thin figure wearing a hat dancing behind him. Will said later it was if a terrifically loud buzzing was coming-up through the top of his head. However only Rachel heard any buzzing.

We partially satisfied ourselves that it must have been a bees' nest, and so we moved a little distance away. As we moved away Dorothy and I saw a ring outlined in the grass which enclosed where we had been sitting. Eventually it started raining so we headed for Rachel's house. As we left I turned around and saw the same thin black figure walk across the opening between the trees to where we had been sitting.

We had been sitting in Rachel's bedroom for a while, when I looked at Will who was reading and saw an amorphous black blob drop out of his hair onto the bed. I was the only one who saw this. A few seconds later a black shape started whizzing around. The main movement was from bottom left to top right as I was sitting, getting larger during the movement and inducing a great fright. About four people altogether saw this.”

Proctor v. Proctor (4)

Knight Rider (Continues): In the psychiatrist’s report submitted to the court together with the pictures drawn by the young girl a description has been provided of what the psychiatrist Jack Kerouac representing Mr J. Proctor has determined is the so-called Black Stick Man.

The wha? - Zounds like one of those weird Czech cartoons inspired by the Prague spring.

Guys, you are not taking this seriously.

Well, who ever took those Czech tunes seriously, except Vaclav Havel.

Vaclav Havel doesn’t count.

Why not?

All the Presidents and his men got to do his duty.

Proctor v. Proctor (3)

Knight Rider (continues): A key piece of evidence in the trial is the so-called Too Good testimony, which I will quote specifically for your benefit:

Ma poor baby start cryin’ again. She cover her eyes and don’t wanna talk. So I says you just rest your head on my lap. When you is ready, you can tell us what happen. She don’ speak for a while. When she stop blubbing, I ask’d her again. What happen, precious?

Ma poor baby don’ speak, but in the end she tell me. She seen this black thing… Wha’ black thing, precious?

Shark: I give up. Must be the BB.

Jabba: Either that, or the Boogey Man singing “Don’t blame it on the sunshine”!

Proctor v. Proctor (2)

Knight Rider (Continuing): To complicate matters Mr J. Proctor – who is as it turns out a Catholic convert - does not want a divorce, but merely a trial separation… Now in a nasty turn of events, Mr J Proctor stands accused of – to use the words of Mrs E Proctor’s legal team – inter-fearing with his daughter Abigail. - Accusations which Mr J. Proctor hotly denies of course.

Shark: Ain’t that just a turn up for the books. - In the name of the father.

Hoarfrost: What do you expect in a fatherist hegemony?

Shark: I guess it’s a long, long way to a womanist one.

Jabba: Not if Kola Boof has anything to do with it.

Proctor v. Proctor

Allow me to remind you all of the Proctor v. Proctor case.

You mean the so-called Diddler’s Trial, overseen by Speakes…

The very same.

Knight Rider in forensic mode proceeds to lay the evidence before his chatroom buddies:

Though thankfully there have been none of those cheesy courtroom scenes pulling at the heartstrings of the jury, it appears that Mrs Elizabeth Proctor – acting under enormous strain – and no doubt with her eyes on the Proctor zillions - has convincing grounds for divorce. - Not least because, in a bizarre twist of Californication, Mr John Proctor is refusing conjugal rights.

Shark: Fuckin’ weirdo! Bet my bottom dollar he’s one of those Karma Sutrists on sabbatical till he gets his juice back up and we can all start drinking Ribena again.

Hoarfrost: Well, I bet my Fiorucci sunglasses he’s a Catholic convert.

Jabba: They are just the worst! Ratzinger’s sheep!

Hoarfrost: I should know! My aunt was one!

Jabba: You poor lost soul! Come back into the fold with the rest of the sheep.

Shark: Crazed fools, did anyone ever worship the sheep?

Sword of Damocles

A bloody sword of Damocles comes
Pixillating down onto the screens
Of Jabba
Hoarfrost and Sharkhunter
What the -!
Knight Rider!

What, prey, brings you to our chat, Knightie!

Yeh, what is going on, Oh Raymond Mystery Rider of the Night?

A deep-throated rumble echoes in their Skype phones as Knight Rider un-scrambles his voice…

Be prepared for a strange a-morality tale, chilling lesson in the dark arts and its disturbing crossover into the parapolitics of our times.

Prey, go on, Knightie.

Battle of the Swords (4)

Conan’s heavy blade v. Touché Turtle’s toy sword?

Dialogue is limited between Conan grunts to

Touché!

Or

Take that!

And very occasionally

Howzat!

Battle of the Swords (3)

O. Wilde’s gay blade v. J. Whistler’s waspish feather

Battle of the Swords (2)

Aragorn’s Narsil v. Saladin’s scimitar

Battle of the Swords (1)

A battle is raging between various swords

Re Artu’s Excalibur v. Siegfried’s Wagnerian number

Homeboy Video 2

Aint talking about the second plane
Or the Song Remains the Same

The tail-end of Flight 911 wings into the WTC; Kola morphs into a a cartoon version of herself in rippling bodice and tight mini wielding a long broad-backed sword with Vampire teeth and skulls etched into its metal

The clash of metal on metal can be heard…

Homeboy Video

Lyrics are garbled into the mike; the Eye-talian boys are putting in more frantic breaks. – Someone hands Homie a skateboard.

The scene cuts.

Homeboy skateboarding onto a catwalk, dodging anorexic models with Slavic complexions, tries a double flip only to lose his balance.

The skateboard runs off on its own – apparently motor propelled – through more and more anorexic looking Slavic models until it comes to a halt between the long brown legs of a grimacing Kola Boof.

Fourth Plane

Homie raps over an Eminem sample fed through a wah-wah peddle:

Ain’t talkin about the first plane
Or Bruce Wayne

The tail-end of Flight 911 wings into the WTC
On apocryphal repeat

Ain’t talkin’ about the second plane
Or the Song Remains the Same

A Zeppelin quote hangs in the air

Don’t forget about the third plane
Or the fourth plane
They never told you its name

Penis pump

The key word appears to have been penis pump…
Two Eye-talians in sleeveless vests and sporting eighties perms break dance behind a heavily-shaded, medallion-clad figure

A garbled message breaks in
Jabba et al try to click
But nothing gives.
All they get is

Ain’t talkin’ about a penis pump
Or givin’ your camel an extra hump.

Oh, no! Where is the doc? - It’s a pop-up of Homeboy’s latest video!

Statement of Denial (3)

Meanwhile, a statement of denial has been released by the Speakes legal team.

“Judge Clarence Speakes was in no way involved in any furtive under the desk onanism. The Judge who has long suffered from asthma was merely applying his inhaler to relieve a serious case of heavy breathing.”

Jabba: See what I’m saying, Sharkman! Those Pledeians are everywhere!

Sharkhunter: I reckon it was a penis pump.

Hoarfrost: Hark who’s talking, droop head.

Jiggery Pockery In Court (5)

Cornered by our Intrepid Cicero on the steps of the Episcoplian Church, Hollywood East (visitors please note the bundles of hay stacking the cornice of the Neo Fascist façade), old friend of the Judge, Reverend Hopkins, had this to say:

“It pains me to see such a high profile judge in such obvious pain. We at the Episcoplian Church of Hollywood East will have a quiet word in our evening prayers in the hope that the rumours wendelling our way from these unkind quarters prove to be false.”

Jiggery Pockery In Court (4)

After thirty five years on the bench, with an unimpeachable reputation, and unsullied character what exactly was the Judge up to that caused the court to erupt and demand the intervention of Officer Vincennes?

Court secretary, Majorery Phillips had this to say:

“The Judge has been acting kind of funny of late. But everything came to a head in the case Proctor v. Proctor… The Judge was seen by myself and other members of the court to be visibly excited during the testimony of one of the witnesses (Miss Betty Too Good, the Proctors’ cook)…”

Jiggery Pockery In Court (3)

Jack Vincennes of the LAPD had this to say:

“ When I received the call, I was across the road from the court house finishing my mid morning coffee…”

Asks our Ace Rachet of Rhetoric:

Was this more than just a coincidence?

Jiggery Pockery In Court (2)

Hush Hush Magazine, September 2006

Amid the ensuing frenzy outside the West Hollywood jail the Judge was seen to cover his face with his hand before an involuntary movement saw the same hand move towards his trousers…

Asks our Ace reporter rhetorically:

Was this in a further bid to cover up?

Jiggery Pockery In Court

Judge Busted in Underhand Activities

LA Times, August, 2006

Jiggery Pockery In Court

Hush Hush Magazine, September, 2006

Judge Speakes In West Hollywood Jail

West Hollywood Gazette, August, 2006

Yesterday Judge Clarence Speakes was arrested in his chambers and taken to the local county jail in West Hollywood…

Jabba: Not the Judge Speakes! My Bloody Assize himself!

Shark: The very same! But there is more. Read on…

Withermen

Shark: It’s just weather balloons , ersehole.

Jabba: Well isn’t that what they always say.

Shark: And who are they exactly? - The withermen?

Jabba: Who the fuck are they, ersehole.

Shark: The ones who look at you with wild eyes as they try to solve the conundrum.

Jabba: You mean the rube of cubes, the blackest of boxes?

Shark: I didn’t say it. But whilst we are on the subject…

Another Humanoid

Canterville Ghost said:

I wonder if you will allow me to attribute this as a sighting of another humanoid.

The evening of the 27th there was I recall a rather unusual cloud formation – just before a storm. The clouds were particularly low in the sky, and a rather beautiful purple – lit up by the sun behind. Unable to resist, I went to fetch my digital camera.

The object that appeared in the view finder had an uncanny resemblance to the Michelin Tyre Man (only black). Alas, it always remained too far away for me to be entirely convinced. The whole effect was nevertheless burdened by the aesthetic surreal. Was this I asked myself a visitation, or what in the charming literature of our times is known as an encounter of the second variety?

Alas, on playing back the photos I had taken, all that could be discerned was this rather disappointing speck among the clouds and not the three dimensional form that I believed to have seen with the naked eye.

Humanoid Sighting over Mexico City

Early one Saturday evening in March, Jorge Saurez from Mexico City was standing vigil over the chorizos when his son spots “this really weird thing in the skies”. Jorge who cannot believe his eyes just happens to have his home video to hand. Dressed in what appears to be a rather bulky version of the “Apollo space suit”, the humanoid in question can be seen just above the tree line of the suburban street (click here for video). Moving always “slowly”, and in a north-by-north-westerly direction, Jorge watches the “bulky spaceman” disappear from view.

Says Mr Saurez producing photo of attractive time-share (bedroom with on suite bathroom overlooking beach):

I believe the humanoid was heading for Acapulca.

Says Junior Saurez shyly:

Dad made me miss the rest of Speedy Gonzalez.

Says Ma Saurez sighingly:

My husband always burn the chorizos.

More Eyes

Wags such as Allbright and Longfellow – though, paradoxically, not Dieterling - are putting in for

Bionic eyes
Pop eyes
Third eyes
Bewitching eyes
Inscrutable eyes
Hound dog eyes
Eyes full of ennui
Eyes that can spot the cads
And rakes
And outstare the snakes

Bluer Eyes

Here in their own cunning version of the black box the wizards of PARASITE are working on a various spells, which include an invocation for bigger - bluer eyes!

Yahoo eyes

Each man wings in with his own particular cruci-fixes
As if we are, like Gulliver, at the end of his travels, condemned to see with Yahoo eyes.

Ways of Seeing (2)

A Pentagon Planner sees a chance for Global Rendition
An old guerrilla with needle marks in his veins sees a treetop in the mist
The Elders of Zion see a pile of bricks as a solid wall
A moribund coach potato sees the remote on the far table
A Manchester poet sees the mind-Laforgued manacles of his own oppression
A hack at the court of King George will happily scoop the poop
Superman on Krypton sees four Tele-evangelists on steroids
The tricylist sees a bicyclist
The seventh of forty-nine microbiologists sees an envelope with black powder
Right now the Doc only has eyes for Kola Boof

Ways of Seeing

It is an axiom of life: we do not see the same things in the same universe.

A fly sees a pane of glass as a solid black mass.
A bee sees a flower as a chemically stained signature in black and white.
An eagle sees a rabbit down a hole.
A vampire bat (and the hammer version of Cris Lee) see through Night Vision their panic-stricken victims.
A ghost sees a whiter shade of pale

But what does a man see?

Readers Queries (6)

Puzzled reader would like to know why a chorus of “Chinese” cleaners? (Agreed, ed. How about the SARS cleaners?)

Readers Queries (5)

Facetious literary student was wondering if there was any connection between the events surrounding nine eleven and the activities of Langland Springer or is this to quote his old university lecturer a bit of an Aunt Sally.

Readers Queries (4)

Two enthusiasts of the Black Box are wondering what has happened to the Coma Girl. Will she be coming back? Will they also get to read about the little boy watching the cartoons? (Patience, ed)

Readers Queries (3)

Granddad in the buff having trouble accessing the Boof’s webcam kindly requests the BB to provide him with a link

Readers Queries (2)

A nostalgic Goth was wondering if the Monkhouse could possibly autograph his bathroom mirror with his ex girlfriend’s lipstick. If so, freaky.

Readers Queries (1)

A tetchy realist would like to know if the author (s) really consider the meeting between R Castro and F Scaramanga to lie within the realms of plausability.

Huey or Stokley’s

Reprise the gentlemen of Shu:

Doc,
With those corny chat-up lines
Kola gonna slap you a parking fine

The Doc shrugging to himself and the world at large:

Well, if it wasn’t Huey’s, then it must of been Stokley’s. - Stokley always gave one hell of a party. I got the bruises to prove it.

The Doc’s Chat up Line (2)

Undeterred the Doc – in between boogie moves – hazards:

Say, we ever meet over at Huey’s?

Pantheresque Cool

Cue chorus of masked Chinese cleaners:

Kola Boof
On ze hoof
Deadpans the Doc
With Pantheresque Cool

The Doc’s Chat up Line

Turning his attention to, and finding himself not immune to the Gospel charms of the Boof, the Doc announces himself with a chat up line he feels bound to score with:

Koola baby, where did you get those braids?

Kola low-down

For those of you who’ve missed out on this important recent news item, courtesy here of the publicity blurb being handed out with the cocktails and crudités is the low-down on Kola. – Besides being ex lover to Osama B, Kola has had a somewhat chequered career as a female danseuse. Starting out many moons ago in the Richard Eerie School of Fame, Kola made it onto the chorus of Bugsy Malone (that much vaunted second season with Poshest Becks). Falling on hard times, Kola sacrificed her art to play G-String Jane in Seymour Butt’s life of the female soldier of fortune. Perhaps not unsurprisingly, Kola left the industry in disgust and set herself up as a womanist poet. For many years Kola has been busy documenting the plight of women in her native Sudan.